Before Jesus Changed My Life

Before Christ, I often found myself going through the motions of being a people pleaser and highly anxiety-driven. I believed that I knew all the answers and that the harder I worked and pushed myself, the more successful I would become as a wife, a parent, teacher, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. Through this constant need to rely solely on myself and “rise to the top”, I began to grow this need for positive praise and recognition at the cost of everything that I did. If I did not receive it, I became highly anxious. I became so consumed with my success and my desire to succeed that I began spiraling into a mess of high anxiety to feed the persona that I put myself into, but also relied only on myself by thinking I could do it all on my own. I could not ask for help, and even worse, would not ask for help. I wanted to show everyone I was well put together and had it all made. This led to a very self-centered life where I felt I had all the answers in every aspect of my life. During this time, I watched things fade, and the success I had begun to build faded away over time. My marriage was also being significantly impacted because of my unhealthy boundaries and ego. My parenting quality was declining because my priorities were wrong and self-centered. Throughout this time, I watched my daughter and husband also go through some heavy events within their own lives. I placed a great deal of the blame on myself because my priorities were not focused on the life I should be living. I was not mentally present in the places I needed to be, nor was I focused on a better outcome for those I loved most. I was trying to live a life where I had everything figured out, and also a life of perfectionism and no mistakes. I was living on feeding myself and, in return, making myself more and more anxious. I wanted nothing more than to be recognized for doing everything perfectly and being well put together. While I knew it was affecting me, I also pushed away that feeling in favor of a temporary feeling in my heart. I also took for granted the love of my daughter and husband, who deserved a better mother and wife. I was chasing a desired worldly view of what I believed happiness to be. 

How Jesus Changed My Life

Over time, I began praying for myself, but more for my husband and daughter. At least, what I now call praying, because I believe at first it was what I would consider wishful pleading and begging. I wanted, more than anything, to be a more fulfilling wife and mom, and to feel more joy as a person myself. As my begging and pleading grew, I realized I was actually more so praying, or leaning in to Jesus in a very distant way. I didn’t know how to pray, but I continued asking for guidance and a watchful eye over all of us. I frequently told God that I needed Him and could not continue on my own. During this time, my daughter began finding her own way to Jesus and was baptized as part of her journey with Christ. I was confused and uncertain about what to do because I had always kept my distance from the Lord, thinking I believed but didn’t understand. Also, I was wondering: Was what I had been asking for and begging for actually working? Was this a coincidence? Was I truly being heard? Had I been heard in so many ways before but could never slow down to notice and reflect? As time went on, my daughter continued her journey with Christ by attending a faith-focused camp.  She shared her knowledge with my husband and me, and I watched how He worked through her. I saw her enjoyment, fulfillment, and heart passionately open. About 1.5 years later, I watched my husband have the Holy Spirit enter him and change his life, helping him turn his obstacles into opportunities to follow the Lord. At this time, I began to realize that what I was witnessing was my prayers at work, and the Lord helping me. He was also working through two of the people that mattered most to me to reground me and get me to slow down and notice He was with me the entire time. I now know the Lord wanted me to follow Him, and he chose to gain my belief through two of the people that mean the most to me. He needed me to open my eyes quickly by starting with my daughter and my husband. He also had been trying to get my attention, and I was too distracted by the world and my own thoughts to even notice. I needed to slow down. He knew this approach would clearly make me see His work in action and to lean into the work on myself through Him. At the time, it wasn’t this clear, but looking back, there were so many things that actually were Jesus at work in my life. I now know the gospel is knowing that we are all sinners, and Jesus paid the ultimate price at the cross for our sins. While I have not always seen the selflessness of His love for us, I now will be spending the rest of my life giving myself to Jesus knowing His selflessness is why we are here. I now know that we are put here for His Glory and my life is better because I finally understand that I am living for Him and not all the other stuff I was searching for fulfillment in.

My Life After Jesus Saved Me

Over the past year, I have found myself more connected to God through more regular Bible reading, attending church, and living a life free from worldliness. My priorities have shifted to what matters most, and I have realized that I am far from the perfect person I thought I was and had built. Rather, I am an okay person trying to do right by the Lord for His honor and glory. I have been opened up to an entirely new way of living that has me focused on my connection with growing my mind and spirit for Jesus. I am now living a life for Christ and truly desire to take steps in being devoted to the Lord. I feel passionate about learning and knowing His word, while also knowing I will never have enough knowledge because He has so much to offer. I strive to listen, learn, and do better. As I study, I hear messages more clearly than before. I understand and can take in scripture that once sounded foreign to me. I seek to follow obediently in trying to live outside of worldly situations, but also to honor and obey His commandments. I feel that I have truly connected with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit in my life in a way I did not think was possible before Christ. I know that He is in control and that I am not in control of every situation and scenario, as I once was. I know that I must live for Him and in Him. I know I must give my Faith to Him because He is what has helped me get through each and every day. With Jesus, I have everything that I ever need, and it has given me the best peace of mind and fulfillment in joy. I am finally learning how to slow down and to see His doings while also intentionally making time to prioritize Him, which should have been my first priority all along. He is the reason. He is the way. He has helped me to get through every single day and moment. I also have found that leaning into Faith has led me to many positive new outcomes that I would not have taken living in my world of perfectionism and anxiety. Rather, I live by Scripture and His word. My daily reminder comes from Philippians 4:4-7, which states: “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”