Before Jesus Changed My Life
Before Jesus changed my life I was living a life of brokenness. Although not outwardly broken in the sense of the extremes but inwardly. The biggest thing that helped me realize my brokenness was my patterns of behavior. I was caught up in living for the world Monday through Saturday and living for God only on Sundays. Essentially there was a loss of spiritual connection. There was a feeling that my hour devoted on Sundays was good enough and pleasing for God. Another aspect in my life that helped me realize my brokenness was my difficulty in regulating my emotions, specifically outbursts towards our kids. If little expectations that I implemented in my head were not met, it was followed by yelling and disappointment.
One might ask what it was that I needed during this time, my previous self would say nothing. I had no needs nor did I want anything. I could figure it out on my own since it wasn’t anyone else’s problem but my own. Looking back now, at this point in my life, I needed a lot. I needed to recognize that I couldn’t do things on my own and that I needed to put all my trust in the Lord to fix my brokenness. I needed a deeper relationship with God which would have shaped my life in a way that would look at my anger as something that was not God honoring. Simply put God was lacking in my life. He was not front and center in my life.
How Jesus Changed My Life
I feel that I can point to three circumstances that led me to consider Christ more fully: my marriage, the pandemic and Charlie Kirk. I say consider Christ more fully because I was raised in a Christian home and knew the stories of Jesus in the Bible but felt like I never had a close personal relationship with Him.
My marriage was what really kicked off my journey to more fully consider Christ. Petra and I came from two different Christian backgrounds (Catholicism and Lutheranism). At the time, Petra’s faith was stronger than mine and she became the driving force behind finding a church. Church for me at this time wasn’t important. I felt like I knew Jesus, and had grown up around religion, therefore I was somehow good enough as if that was all it took for me to “gain” entrance into heaven. After finding a Church that suited our needs (writing that makes my stomach turn because I was making it about myself & my needs not what was honoring to God), we became members and felt like we were heading in the right direction raising our kids in the faith. My religion at that time was part of my life but faith in Jesus Christ wasn’t front and center. It still felt like a weekly box that I should check.
The next two circumstances essentially go hand in hand. It was around the 2020 election, I had been following Charlie Kirk for a while prior to this period but found myself beginning to listen more intently. The election took place, then came the pandemic. Reflecting back (this reflection likely wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for Charlie’s death) it was during this time that he mentioned two pastors, Roy McCoy and Jack Hibbs. With our church doors closed due to the pandemic, Petra and I started watching our church service online. The services began to feel like they were lacking substance so one Sunday we decided to try another online church. Recalling Charlie Kirk mentioning Pastor Jack Hibbs, we decided to give his online service a try. After watching the service, it was safe to say that both of our hearts were set on fire. We were craving more. More bible, more truth and less of the go through the motions and recycled homilies. I couldn’t wait until the next week to hear him preach more of the Word of God. Essentially there was a spiritual awakening in my heart that wanted to seek out a deeper connection with Christ. In Titus 3:5 we learn “He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the holy spirit”. God used these situations in my life to bring me back to Him, to know Him more fully and light my heart on fire for Him. The individuals and circumstances that led me closer to Christ were a part of His plan for my life and all glory goes to Him.
My Life After Jesus Saved Me
Galatians 5:16 “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh”. The areas in my life that I once desired and struggled with jealousy; comfort and worldly possessions among many others have drastically reduced since placing my faith in Jesus. Like Jesus said to Nicodemos in John 3, flesh gives birth to flesh. I was living a life that was attempting to satisfy my natural life which made me alive physically but dead spiritually.
I feel I have come to the realization that there are things far better than what this world can offer. Yes the flashy car, fancy clothes etc. would be nice but I now see that it’s better to store up treasures in heaven. Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”. My hope is found in my savior Jesus Christ and in nothing of this world. In times of need, I now turn to Christ rather than attempting to solve the problems myself.