Before Jesus Changed My Life
I was raised in a Christian home where we were active with church and youth group. From a young age, I “knew” God and the Bible stories, but it wasn’t until college that I really got to know Jesus and better understand the gospel for myself. In high school, my worldview was changed when my family farm was hit by a tornado. My brother and I were in the barn taking care of the animals when the winds tore the barn down around us. We were unharmed physically, but this event left me with a lot of trauma. I was consumed by anxiety which led to depression. My heart grew hard. I was angry at God and deliberately turned away from Him. I did eventually receive treatment for PTSD and depression symptoms, but medication couldn’t reconcile my heart. The longer I stayed away from God, the harder my heart grew. I was so angry, I was angry with Him, with other people who I felt didn’t understand my situation and I grew resentful even of my family as they rebuilt and moved on from the storm. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just get over it too.
How Jesus Changed My Life
As I entered college, I was lost and lonely, pursuing the world left me empty and alone. I was uninterested in God but decided to participate in church to make friends and have a sense of belonging. I can’t recall a clear moment when it started, but through salt company staff and connection groups my heart was gradually softened as God pursued me through these relationships. As I got to know Jesus and made the decision to follow Him, I felt this tension in my heart. I was still holding on to the anger and resentment that had become so familiar, but now it was so heavy and impossible to hold. I remember one night crying out to God, pleading for Him to take it from me - I didn’t want it, and I couldn’t carry it any longer. In my praying, I took my anger and cast it down at the foot of the cross. The next day all of that weight was gone. I didn’t work through it, I couldn’t resolve it. He took my burden and traded it for His. (Mat 11:28-29)
My Life After Jesus Saved Me
I still get anxious in bad weather, I still get angry, and I still have seasons of depression in my life. But I have hope. Looking back at that storm now, I can see and feel how God clearly had his hand over me, my brother, our family, and even our animals. No matter the storm, God is in control, and I may not know why or understand how but He is working all things in my life for His glory. (Romans 8:28) In this season, God is showing me His character and highlighting the lies I’ve believed about Him. Again and again, when I start to wander from His flock, He shows me that He is the Good Shepherd (John 10). He is all the time pursuing me, renewing my heart and giving me peace beyond understanding. I was lost, deliberately turned away from Him, and yet he pursued me and brought me near. He had mercy on me in my sin, took my pain and burden, and gave me His life. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.”