Before Jesus Changed My Life
For me, my faith isn’t the sum of one moment, it’s been an ongoing story. I grew up in church, I usually had all the right answers in my head, but not always in my heart. I used to live in a constant pool of anxiety. I had waves of time where I felt close with God, but it would quickly be overshadowed. I tried to rely on myself to fix everything. I thought I had to save myself. I’ve had a lot of health issues, too, which is just the physical essence of “I need to fix myself, and I can’t.” Eventually, I got so hung up on the sin part of salvation that I couldn’t see God’s provision. I swore He hated me, for every mistake I had made. It didn’t matter how hard I’d repent, or try, I was never going to be enough. I didn’t see Jesus as my missing piece, I saw Him as part of the story.
How Jesus Changed My Life
Jesus has always been working on me, even when I was all head knowledge. I would preach to my classmates, I would ask questions, I was learning and caring about the gospel, but at some point, my roots just weren’t growing. I was skating by with the answers, and I sought other’s approval more than God’s plans. When I was 15, I was in a truly awful relationship. I was also miserably sick. I struggled with suicidal ideations due to that time in the relationship and my chronic health issues. I had left the boyfriend, thinking, “This is it, I’ve gotten myself out of Hell on Earth. Things should get better now, I just have to fix everything.” I became a slave to myself in a way, I sought not just other people’s approval, but my own approval, and I was never good enough for myself. One day, during youth group we were singing “When Death was Arrested” after the sermon. All of a sudden, something just felt different. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. We got to the bridge when we all sang “Oh we’re free! Free! Forever we’re free!” I looked at my leader, and I said, “I’m not free.” and she told me that I could be, I just had to realize Jesus is a bigger savior than I am a sinner. I have been rescued, when I was trying to save myself, and I didn’t see it this whole time. It hit me hard.God is faithful even when we are faithless. I understood Jesus so much more in that moment, and He became even more real to me. Not just a story or part of life reserved for Sundays or a weeknight group, but an active, loving, forgiving, all powerful, and justified savior. I hadn’t felt like Jesus was a beautiful savior in such a long time, it was like being reunited in a way I couldn’t explain.
My Life After Jesus Saved Me
God is faithful when we are faithless. I have so much more hope than I used to. I get to choose to see Jesus instead of my brokenness. I get to see His sacrifice and His pain in such a new and beautiful way. I can’t earn my faith. I can’t save myself, I couldn’t save myself from Hell. Jesus bridges the gap, because He loves me, and I never have to feel the need to try to save myself again. He will always be a greater savior than you are a sinner.