This article describes how to live in a way that uniquely demonstrates the gospel. This article expands on the idea first presented in Gospel-Worthy Walking.

“Mahwiage. Mahwiage is what bwings us togethah today. Mahwiage… that blessed awwangement… that dweam wifin a dweam. And wuv… true wuv... will fowow you foweva.” These words from The Princess Bride are probably familiar to many of us. We may even relate to the comedy and tension of the movie’s scene. After all, marriage is what fairytales are made of — that magical culmination of the storyline when the prince or princess finally finds their happily-ever-after and marries the fairest or bravest in all the land.

But the fairytales don’t show what the days, months, and years that follow look like. What happens when the ceremony ends, the guests go home, and normal life sets in? How do the prince and princess interact when financial or health burdens hit? How do they behave when faced with raising a difficult and rebellious child? What does “happily-ever-after” look like when so many years pass that comfort and familiarity expose a lack of intentionality in their relationship?

What if wuv… true wuv… (*cough cough*) true love has a meaning that is far beyond our individual desire, our worth, or some perceived value of a spouse? Asked more succinctly, what if marriage is less about us than we think?

In a world influenced more by InstaFaceTube than scripture, it is easy to see how the definitions of love and marriage become incorrectly and destructively driven by the singular purpose of making us “happy”. In this way, our society has a tendency to engage in a Solomonic pursuit of fulfillment, not yet conceding that apart from God, all earthly pursuits — including marriage — are vanity.

The question then becomes that if we understand earthly pursuits apart from God are vanity, and we concede that marriage is indeed an earthly pursuit (Matthew 22:23-30), what then should a God-centered marriage look like?

In defining and living out a God-centered marriage, there is a need to understand that marriage is a set-apart relationship defined and purposed by God—not by man. From the beginning of man’s history, God has shown the union between a singular man and a singular woman to be a unique and purposeful relationship incapable of being fulfilled through any other pairing in the whole of creation (Genesis 2:18-20). Nothing else—not plant, nor animal, nor occupation—could satisfy the role of helpmate for Adam. 

I want to stop and point out a couple of things that will be recurring themes. In God’s provision for Adam (and in turn for Eve), it was God who saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone. This was not based on Adam’s merit or desire, but purely on the judgment of a sovereign God and his provision for his creation. This God-breathed relationship was also not based on either person being the perfect husband or perfect wife, as Genesis 3 tells us of Adam’s failure to lead as instructed by God, and both Adam’s and Eve’s failures against temptation.

So let me ask you this: Do you look at your marriage with a heart of thanks toward God for his provision? Or do you look at it from a state of dissatisfaction because of <insert any number of worldly justifications centered around our comfort and happiness>?

We need to give God thanks for providing a helpmate that could not be satisfied through any other offering in all of creation. We cannot elevate work, other relationships, hobbies, personal time, or any other earthly pursuit to a place of importance above the provision given to us by God in marriage.

But there is more to marriage than that. In Ephesians 5:22-33, we see the call to husbands and wives for their roles in marriage:

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:22-33).

In this text, a husband is called to love and lead his wife as Christ loved the church. To give himself up for her. To sanctify her and cleanse her with the washing of the word, so that she might be presented holy and blameless. Notice, however, the lack of assessment of the worthiness of the wife. The call to the husband is not based on the merit, actions, or the husband’s perception of his wife.

Likewise, a wife is called to submit to her husband as she would to the Lord. To recognize her husband as the head of the household. To show him respect and to submit to his leadership. Again, notice the lack of assessment of the worthiness of the husband. The call to the wife is not based on the merit, ability to lead, depth of knowledge, or skill of the husband.

Paul tells us that marriage reflects Christ’s relationship with his church (Ephesians 5:32). If we understand how Christ serves the church, we see that marriage is not selfish, but rather selfless. Marriage’s meaning is actually devoid of the assessment of the worthiness of the other, but rather is focused on reflecting Christ and his church and our role of service toward the other.

How do we know this? We know this because we can see how Christ lived out his love for the church. For example, in Romans 5:6-11 we see the following:

“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation” (Romans 5:6-11).

Christ’s sacrifice occurred while we were in an undeserving state—as if we are even capable of achieving any other state apart from him. He did not wait for us to demonstrate our worthiness. 

In the same way, as we live out a God-centered marriage we need to love our spouse as called out in Ephesians 5. This should happen in spite of our feelings of deservedness, as the role of husband and wife is an instructed, not earned, call to action. 

In Christ’s sacrifice, he demonstrated a deep and intentional love. A love that defied any earthly understanding or definition, as He loved us in spite of what we truly deserved — which was the wrath of a just and holy God. There is a depth to Christ’s love toward his church that we should desire to live out in the context of our marriage. 

So, once again, let me ask you this: Do you love your spouse and carry out your role in marriage because of God’s worth and what his word instructs you to do? Do you treasure the relationship and put effort into it as an example of Christ and his church? Do you love your spouse with a deep desire for relationship — even to the point of self-sacrifice? Do you treat the relationship from the perspective of serving rather than being served? Or do you base your responsibility and actions/reactions on a perceived worthiness measured against a direct value to you?

Lastly, I would like to make a bold but true statement. We are not fulfilled in earthly marriage. 

When you look at the idea of a fairytale marriage, all of the value is placed on a perceived feeling for or toward the other person. There is a strong sense of expected fulfillment that can easily lead to disappointment. That disappointment can easily lead to a lack of intentionality toward marriage — or even worse, abandonment of the marriage emotionally or physically.

Let me remind you that in Matthew 22, we saw that marriage is an earthly pursuit, and as such, it in and of itself cannot satisfy anything eternally. Likewise, we saw in Ephesians 5 that earthly marriage serves as a reflection of Christ and his church—which is eternal. The marriage of Christ and his church is brought to fruition in Revelation 19 at the marriage supper of the Lamb. This means that ultimately marriage is eternally fulfilled in Christ rather than in a spouse.

Do you place a god-complex on your spouse, expecting them to be a fulfillment of sorts? As a result, have you placed your marriage on a pedestal above your relationship with Christ? Or do you see that you are fulfilled and purposed in Christ and able to overflow being fulfilled in Christ into caring for your marriage?

In the proper context, love and marriage are a wonderful provision from God. It is to be cherished. It is to be protected. It is to be honored. But it is ultimately not purposed to serve us, and we are ultimately not purposed to be eternally fulfilled by our spouse. Marriage reflects to the world the perfect love of Christ toward his imperfect and undeserving church. As a part of that undeserved love, He provides a helpmate in marriage intended to demonstrate His love to the world.

It is my sincere prayer that the marriages in our church are filled with a depth of purpose, love, and health that can only come from a good and gracious God. I pray that in our marriages we would desire to reflect Christ and his love for the church. I pray that we would not look to our spouses for fulfillment, but as a provision — the gift of a helpmate — given to us by God. And in living out that relationship, we would be sanctified and satisfied by the God who calls us to our roles in marriage.